About RP
怎么才可以定义，概括我？有不堪，又脆弱，还有不管多么努力都逃不掉的迷茫。慢慢的我也不再去渴望被肯定，被理解和被尊重 —我发现我真正想要的不是那个 — 更何况可遇不可求。具体想要是什么，我也说不清楚。我只知道我对除了自己以外的别人已经不再有什么期望了。
我的自卑，我的不安。我的坚持，我的努力，我那些微不足道的执着。我对美好未来的憧憬和对过去的恐惧。我对别人的好，和伴随的，高高在上的扭曲情感。我源源不断的去原谅过去的自己的不作为和怯懦，又同时质疑未来的我会是光芒万丈还是一事无成？我是一个不断改变自己的人，好像永远也不会疲于不断的变化，不断的新的挑战，新的认知。我身边的世界和我的关系也因此每天都不一样，可能我今天脑袋里想的是一套体系，明天这套体系又变了。可能我也希望过我不是这样的多变和多愁善感，但可能我自己还是觉得这样有意思吧。
希望我自己：接受自己的不安；勇敢去追求生命给的一切possibility，再有保持饥饿的恒心。
What held and what changed
2016 – Present; I’ve always believed in the power of words.
I copied down quotes that I found online when I was 12 because I wanted to have a dramatic life. Vaguely and carefully, I thought I was different. It’s definitely early signs of my escapism tendencies – I thought about my dramatic future for hours. I wanted the heartbreak, I wanted the revenge, I wanted to be someone, something. I wanted to make a name for myself – even at that point, the biggest world I knew was my school. I wanted to be different, be talked about, be known, be praised, be loved. How desperate and delicate was the image I had created for myself, and how hard I had fought to keep it.
I wouldn’t go to bed even when it was midnight. I slept 2-3 hours later than everyone else, studying for things that I already knew. Which took a lot of efforts in hiding, investments in lighting and in-bed set up so that I would not be caught by boarding school staff. I just wanted to make sure of the methods to solve any types of questions, because you could never be too sure on the day of exams. I was already so ahead but I couldn’t risk it. I couldn’t risk the pity or the sarcasm if I were to score lower. Deep down, I knew people were envious, jealous, they wanted to be me. I enjoyed those ugly gazes and showered in whatever curse they threw at me when they saw me staying up, practicing, reading. A part of me chanted, wanted them to show themselves to be even uglier, crueler, as if that proved something.
Back then I already knew words held power. They motivated people, encouraged people, empowered people, hurt and sometimes destroyed people. Words are beautiful and cruel, words, phrases, sentences, they create a whole reality around me that led to my complete delusion but also led me to become the person that I am. I’ve known for a while now that I’m not different, not any more different than a normal person would be. It’s a relief, though, to know that.
But then sometimes, when I read these words and excerpts that I had treasured – I let myself believe again that I am different. I’m young again, naive again, and back then I took everything so seriously but I also bear the courage and awareness to deal with it all when faced with consequences – when inevitably, reality crashed with imagination. These imaginary worlds where I was the main character, I was the protagonist, I’m going to be more successful than any other person in the room, were often met with humiliation from the teachers, ridiculed by my classmates, and laughed at by my parents – they were scared, I think, that my delusions would eventually fail me – no matter how good my image was keeping up. Top grades, top performance – they wouldn’t bring me any practical advantage in real life – they brought me jealousy from my class and poor friendships.
Between childhood and becoming a teenager, without understanding what it truly meant, I didn’t factor in popularity in one of the things I wanted for myself in life. I just wanted to be good, better than everyone else. I wanted to not make mistakes, and I so extremely enjoyed that I didn’t exactly “blend in.” Funnily – I’m glad the US, finance, which are societies that operate based on popularity and “who-knows-who” economics, didn’t change this last bit about me.
forever, RP 