forever, RP

I’ve slowly realized that I’m a “last-second” type of person.

I never got an early acceptance into any schools. I wanted to go to Chicago, and I couldn’t. And then, I wanted to go to Carnegie, and they didn’t accept me either.

Back then, I thought, what’s the big deal? I already got into a college/

I think I had tried hard enough in all of high school to convince myself that the result didn’t matter as much as the journey, at least, that’s what I would hear from everyone else.

Coming into college, I was asked to write myself a letter freshman spring semester, to receive it 4 years later at the graduation commencement day. I don’t remember most of the letter, but one of my core goals through college is to get an offer to a good bank. When I recruited for junior summer, several reasons led to the end, I didn’t end up getting as good of an offer I wanted to get in the beginning of recruitment.

I also told myself, you’ve tried hard enough, your job is good, at a relatively reputable bank, what more could you want?

Just 2 weeks before I received the letter from my 19-year-old self, I got an offer at one of the best groups in the bay. When I got the letter, I thought – wow, no matter the person junior summer, or the person I am now, I don’t think my past self would be disappointed.

The point wasn’t that I got an offer finally “prestigious enough” to be something that my old self would have wanted for my first post grad job. That’s probably one half of a point. the point was that once again like high school, at the tail end of the journey, when I didn’t really care about the result anymore, it happened.

I think that concludes my relationship with April. I got my offer from college mid April, I got my offer with my junior summer job mid April, and I got my offer with my post grad job end of April.

I have the most twisted relationship with the theory I mentioned before, I think, that results don’t matter. well, I guess they do – I’m still not mature enough to say the journey is enough for me. However, I don’t consider results as a proof that my efforts mattered, or as a confirmation that everything you pour into life leads somewhere – which are the theories that I used to have. I think results should serve as a fingerprint on glass. I was here – but with the next cleaning, it’s gone – who can tell if I was here or not, who’s going to think about the old fingerprints on glass, when now you can have a new mirror to look at yourself through?

forgive my broken English and childish metaphor.

I really am a lazy person. I don’t want anything enough, I’m not hungry enough, and not eager enough to put myself out there with every opportunity. I envy people who can hand in their resumes with both hands and a smile on their face, while making eye contact with the recruiter. I envy a lot of men, for they have the cut-throat and keen spirit to separate their ego with every opportunity, and they have the ability to never take rejections seriously – while every victory deserves to be celebrated. I try to put on a front that I’m that way too, but I’m not. I think too much, doubt myself too much, and am too lazy. I don’t start anything early enough, I just am lucky enough to be someone that happens to be included on a certain list when the list needs to be presented or used at a certain somewhere.

I don’t think I’m stupid, not at all – and I don’t think by any means I don’t deserve to be where I am today. I think I’m smart enough, brave enough, and well-presented enough to be in a lot of rooms. But I want to have the ability to not take anything to heart and stop putting the level of the amount of efforts I already pay into self preservation and “saving face.”

I want to stop my laziness because the world awards audacious people. I keep “not starting” something because I’m not ready, I’m not prepared, while in reality it’s just self preservation and laziness. If I don’t chase opportunities because I think people are putting in more effort than me, I’m a fool. I don’t want to be so afraid of looking stupid or seeming inexperienced that I let opportunities slip through my hands – I have made this mistake many times and I don’t want to make it ever again.